On Last Times

This is going to be a little more of a plain and somber post compared to what I usually put here, just to offer you fair warning. 

Last weekend, my aunt Sara passed away after a sudden bout of liver failure. She went from being around – with a fair bit of pain from some chronic conditions – to being gone forever in the span of two days. What’s most surreal to me is that I never had the chance to properly say goodbye, and I don’t even really remember which occasion was the last time I saw her. Certainly, it was one of the days surrounding my brother’s wedding last September, but it wasn’t the sort of heavy, emotional I’ll-never-see-you-again sort of goodbye that I would’ve given if I had known what was going to happen a few months later. 

My aunt lived a hard life, and suffered the consequences of her decisions and circumstances for many years. In the years I knew her best, she was making a great effort to turn her life around. She’d found love and support, she’d gotten some education, and she had done her best to stay on a path that would lead her away from a troubled past. I hope she understood that others noticed. I hope she knew that, even though she didn’t always succeed, it meant a lot that she was trying. While she never got the chance to enjoy a full life, I hope it’s some consolation that she will continue to inspire others even now that she’s gone. For my part, she will always remind me of the idea that it’s never too late to fight your past, and that no fall is so great that you cannot stand again. 

I know that many of you reading this won’t have known Sara, and for you I have a message that hopefully you can all relate to. While the beginnings of new things are usually obvious, and we can see a new “first time” coming a long way off, it’s taken me these twenty seven years of my life to grasp fully the fact that many endings come and go without our realizing. Whether it’s something as mundane as the last time you visit a restaurant before it closes or something as monumental as the last time you see a loved one before they pass away, you may go through that finale without realizing that it’s the end of something. Years may pass before you understand that it should’ve meant something, that you would’ve liked to soak in that experience and put a proper seal on a piece of life. Bearing that in mind, I’m not suggesting we should make every goodbye tearful and dramatic. However, I think it’s worth carrying that thought with you, somewhere under the surface, that we ought to cherish each experience with as much mindfulness and gratitude as we can muster, because sooner or later it will be the last time, and we’ll wish we had known.